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Thursday, August 18, 2011

Today's Item up for Crit: Elusive Remains...

I posted this poem almost 9 months ago, when I was a bit closer to a situation that freed this poem from deep within.  It had been waiting years to be written.  Now that I have been able to put some time and distance from its words, I would love to have some honest critique of its expression.  Today, over at dVerse Poets Pub is this weeks Meeting the Bar: Critique and Craft.  I think this poem really seems to fit the topic and would love the input on its form.  I've done a couple of slight tweeks already...   Hope you all don't mind another share of this one. 

 Elusive Remains...

Somewhere in the darkness of the night,
should I answer, could this be the day,
that wonderful day when you just might,
might be standing beyond the doorway...

The phone ringing, please let it be you,
'Unknown Caller' across the display,
my heart in my throat, skips a beat too,
if only someone, somewhere would say...

The news that you have been waiting for,
I called, saw him earlier today,
it was here in town, down by the store,
he asked to see you, if not he may...

Elusive remains, mysteries too,
what happened on that long ago day,
everyone searching, looking for you,
at a distance, I guess you must stay...

One day, somewhere in time, I will know,
whether or not, that you are okay,
for now my heart breaks, I can not show,
always to wonder, where do you lay...

Hoping and praying, this I must do,
searching myself to find a new way,
wondering always, could that be you,
beheld in my heart, always this day.

Petrina Lesko
November 2010


Claudia said...

this is a very emotional and heart wrenching piece petrina - i wonder if it is about a soldier, missed but not sure if he's dead or still alive somewhere and then the waiting, the longing, the not knowing - very well expressed.

Shah Wharton said...

Claudia - I felt the same! Must be something in it?

Here from the linky - My entry

Brian Miller said...

mmm...def feel the waiting for the one...a rather hollow feeling livin without them constantly waiting and seeing them out of th ecorners of eye...

Reflections said...

Thank you all for your comments... obviously the surface write is there, the heartfelt wait.

Yet when I reread it yesterday, I realized how much this could and probably was a metaphor of... the loss of oneself, waiting, knowing that distant part of oneself, just beyond.

Or the distant friend/family who was once an everyday part of ones life, then separated by distance, feeling as if things are missing, just not quite how they should be.

I know it's my piece, yet I see so many layers beyond the surface... and it was written about a missing person as the surface shows.

Natasha said...

I thought of a missing person, but like you say, the layers keep revealing nuances and differences of similar tales...but the loss is well on display. Thought this wonderful...but sad

Christi Moon said...

Hello Petrina—

You have done a wonderful job of depicting an agonizing wait… and sense of longing for unanswered questions. The unbearable state of ‘not knowing’ is palpable.

My sense is that the content is related to a missing person, such as a soldier, but I think it would be easy for readers to weave their own “unanswered questions” into this piece as they are reading.

My only suggestions would be to go through this and strip of some of the redundant or cliché words/phrasing such as the use of ‘heart’ which is used in several stanzas. I would try to come up with a unique/modern way to express that sentiment, such as; essence, core, self, etc. I think it would make the piece stronger.

I really enjoyed reading this poignant piece. Thanks for linking up.

seasideauthor said...

I enjoyed this read and see that a person is missing for some unexplained reason. Well written.

The Gooseberry Garden said...

beautiful sentiments.

welcome join us this Sunday,

Debbie.Dawnslight said...

Hi Petrina,
the feeling of longing for someone missing, the heartbreak is felt well through the stanzas.

I have one suggestion, for the first stanza, perhaps if you take off the "might" in line 3, it would make it a bit stronger, so as the "...when you just" -
- and you let it hang there, in a way creating suspense...
"might be standing beyond the doorway..."

Lovely write. Sad.

~Thank you for sharing.

Friko said...

I'll say the same thing everybody else has said.
Your pain and longing are palpable. I hope the one you are waiting for will come back to you.

Elizabeth Rose Stanton said...

That is the wonder of poetry--that it can be so multivalent. A soldier? A lover? A student gone off to school? But it makes me think of a tragedy that just happened to a young man right off the shore here. Lost, literally, in a boating accident. How awful for his family. They are still waiting :(
Such a powerful, timely poem.