I'm adding a link here to dVerse ~Poets Pub for their first session of Meeting the Bar: Crit Friday. Looks to be a great place for writer's to get feedback (honest, evaluative feedback) on their poetry.
Alabaster Storms
The orange sun sinks beyond
A barriered horizon,
I slip into your caress,
Warmth embraces my soul's ache,
Soothing me into the depths,
Beyond alabaster storms.
Tender pulses lift me out,
Beyond the coming darkness,
Into glistening moments now,
Floating above starlit skies,
Bubbling kisses so tender,
My heart settles to serene.
As your touch reaches beyond,
Easing the toughened moments,
Embracing the quiet... da dum,
Beating hearts slow, calming too,
Washing the days motions off,
Come to rest in your embrace.
Whirring worlds roar dim this night,
His voice beyond, who hoo hoo,
Cast iron gates fence apart,
Another howls in response to,
Saying it is I, who calls,
This night my place, echos...
The alabaster stillness,
Fragranced air tickles darkness,
Gardenia's matching tender,
The water's whir goes silent,
Rising above, tenderly step,
Beyond embraces into night.
Petrina Lesko
July 2011
Today is the final OSW over at One Stop Poetry as this wonderful sight comes to an end, closing today. (It will be around as an archive for all the fabulous poetry that has been shared there.) In it's finale, I will be linking this poem, written, experienced as I have sat relaxing in the warm waters of the hot tub nights, remembering days not forgotten.
Alabaster Storms
The orange sun sinks beyond
A barriered horizon,
I slip into your caress,
Warmth embraces my soul's ache,
Soothing me into the depths,
Beyond alabaster storms.
Tender pulses lift me out,
Beyond the coming darkness,
Into glistening moments now,
Floating above starlit skies,
Bubbling kisses so tender,
My heart settles to serene.
As your touch reaches beyond,
Easing the toughened moments,
Embracing the quiet... da dum,
Beating hearts slow, calming too,
Washing the days motions off,
Come to rest in your embrace.
Whirring worlds roar dim this night,
His voice beyond, who hoo hoo,
Cast iron gates fence apart,
Another howls in response to,
Saying it is I, who calls,
This night my place, echos...
The alabaster stillness,
Fragranced air tickles darkness,
Gardenia's matching tender,
The water's whir goes silent,
Rising above, tenderly step,
Beyond embraces into night.
Petrina Lesko
July 2011
Today is the final OSW over at One Stop Poetry as this wonderful sight comes to an end, closing today. (It will be around as an archive for all the fabulous poetry that has been shared there.) In it's finale, I will be linking this poem, written, experienced as I have sat relaxing in the warm waters of the hot tub nights, remembering days not forgotten.
10 comments:
I enjoyed it. Especially with all the water references.
To start with, I love "alabaster..." You've used it so well as the keystone of this beautiful poem.
This makes for a very good love song for which many can relate to. I get carried away. Brilliant form, Petrina!
Beautiful !
Very evocative of love....a meeting.
sensual indeed.
Lady Nyo
This is just exquisite.
Fantastic title! Your beautiful poem expresses with eloquence the blessings of human touch. Thank you so much for linking to the dVerse crit Friday.
Please remember that my comments and suggestions are based on my opinions. Feel free to use them or toss them away.
I read all poetry out loud because I find that voice uncovers nuances that are hidden in the printed expression. I mention this to explain my next comment. You've started each line with a capital letter even when in the middle of a thought or sentence. When I reach a capital letter, I pause as though a new sentence is beginning. This interrupts the thought and flow. I suggest using capitals for the start of sentences not lines.
S1L4 "my soul's ache" is a bit cliche. I suggest finding words that will express the same thought in a unique way.
S3L2 "easing the toughened moments" This line doesn't relate to any other line in the poem as you haven't addressed any difficulties to this point. I would love to see more tenderness in this line. Toughened is a rough word.
S4 Whirring worlds roar dim this night. Is roar the subject of this sentence? Is worlds possesive? Love the alliteration but the structure of the line is a bit confusing. The confusion continues on through the remainder of this stanza. I wonder if it is necessary for the poem.
S5 Wonderful ending.
Overall, this is a wonderful poem. Thank you for offering it for critique. I truly enjoyed it.
Beth
Lovely poem of tenderness using all the senses imaginitively.
One thing jarred a little for me was the use of da dum and who hoo hoo, because they changed the mood from contemplative to (sorry!) teenage texting-tyoe words.
I also had difficulty visualising an alabaster storm, but it's such a lovely word that I forgive you!
I also agree about the effect of capitals at the beginning of each line: a) for breaking the flow and b) for the old-fashioned feel it imparts to a lovely modern poem! It took me ages to stop Word from changing mine all the time, and I can't now remember how I did it.
Thank you Beth and Viv for your input! I struggled with the 2 stanzas that you both have referenced to trying to tie into the other senses. One thing that strikes me is that while personifying the experience seems to have lost the understanding the overall references. I was actually conveying the soothing of an aching body by hopping in a jacuzzi after a long and tiring day. I see what you both have said as far as the caps... that is a newer way of writing, unlike the grammar that my mother drilled as a child, so I tend to go back to old ways.
Thanks again for the critiques. You input has been very helpful.
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